I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months about why I’ve stalled on the law firm with heart. It’s been a bit of a mystery to me why I haven’t launched. Sure, I had a book manuscript to revise. Sure I had other stuff going on, but that has always been true. What was holding me back?
It’s been an embarrassingly long time since I announced that I was going to launch a special needs advocacy center. My intention in January was to get clear on my updated life vision. Did it include a law firm? Either I was going to launch once and for all, or else let it go and move on.
Here’s what I’ve figured out:
1) I can’t help anyone until I’ve helped my daughter. Until I get Katie into the right school/placement, I can’t focus on anyone else. It would be great if I could go back to the old days and compartmentalize my feelings, but those days are long gone. I need some closure on this ten-year battle.
2) I’ve been reluctant to start my law firm because I was worried that my school district would retaliate. I hadn’t recognized this as an issue until a non-public school (NPS) was on the table. Once it was, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. Moving Katie to an NPS greatly diminishes this fear and reduces much of my resistance.
3) I have been so drained by the constant fight to secure services for Katie that I’m not sure I have anything left to give other families. Again, moving my daughter to a NPS may solve this issue. Or not. Time will tell.
4) I am really, really tired of fighting with schools. Even if in doing so I can help others. This saddens me, but it’s the truth. For now. This has been a bitter pill to swallow.
5) What I most want right now is ease and simplicity. I’ve said these words before, but it’s become increasingly clear that this is what I need to focus on in 2016.
6) In my search for ease and simplicity, perhaps I should find a “good enough job” to take the pressure off. I’m not sure I have it in me to launch a law firm right now. Another difficult pill to swallow because I want to believe anything is possible. And it is, just not all at once. This has always been a tough concept for me.
7) Lastly, the forthcoming book (and the 2 others in progress) feels really juicy right now. I’ve worked hard for this and I want to savor it. I want to focus on writing and book promotion during my brief “moment in the sun.” There is nothing wrong with this. I just need to find a way to pay the bills while I do it.
The other, bigger, issue is that my priorities are shifting. There is a man in my life who seems determined to stick around. I need to go with the flow and see what develops–not just with our relationship, but in all areas of my life.
So I’m going to send out resumes, visit private schools, clear out clutter, redecorate the house for the life I have now, and learn about book promotion. I will keep moving forward and trust that when the right thing comes along, I’ll know. I suspect once I get Katie’s school placement sorted out (both short and long-term), everything else will become clearer.
The bottom line: I want more ease and less struggle in 2016. It’s all about ease this year. Ease and self-care. Expect more on this as the year progresses….
Until next time,
Cynthia
