Sometimes people just don’t know what to say when they learn my daughter Katie has autism. This is the sixth and final installment of insensitive comments that people have said. You can find the first list here, the second one here, the third one here, the fourth one here, and the fifth one here.
I think at this point I’m going to stop keeping track–unless I hear one that’s really novel! (And yes, I will share.)
- But she looks so normal.
Is she supposed to have green martian antennae sprouting out of her head to give you a clue something is amiss? Of course she looks normal. Autism is a neurological condition, not a physical disability.
- You are so brave!
Why in the hell would you say that?
- They’re all God’s children and they deserve love just the same as everyone else.
That’s true. So why are you walking away?
- If you didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t have guessed autism.
So what WOULD you have guessed? Poor parenting? Lack of discipline? Or are you trying to give me a compliment?
- I don’t know how you do it. God must have thought you are strong enough to handle it.
I do it the same way you would. One day at a time, as best I can.
- Maybe she will outgrow this.
Are you kidding me? You don’t outgrow a life-long neurological disorder.
- Oh, she has autism. She must be good at math.
No, she’s terrible at that. She is, however, good at cooking and riding horses. She’s also great at cursing in public and getting suspended from school.
- Maybe she doesn’t watch enough TV and that’s why she doesn’t talk. My children watched Sesame Street. I think that helps. (Said when Katie was still nonverbal.)
She can’t watch TV for more than five minutes. It’s too over-stimulating. Perhaps I should dress up as a big yellow bird and dance around the house. Trust me, I would TOTALLY do it if it meant she would start calling me Mommy.
- She’s just got character is all.
Yeah, that’s what it is.
- They are doing so much for autism these days.
Um, really? Exactly who are these people because last time I checked, “they” are not doing much of anything. I, on the other hand, work at this 24/7. - The worst—and the least funny—comment is the non-speak. The party and play date invitations that never come. The shunning and being left out. The slipping off to another aisle when you approach in the store. Pretending not to see you at the coffee shop.
You don’t have to say anything. Your actions speak loud and clear.
Here’s a much better response: Wow, you look like you have your hands full. How about I come over and give you (or you and your spouse) a night off so you can relax and feel like a real person?
Too bad I’ve never heard that one.
Until next time,
Cynthia Patton
Oh Cynthia! I wish I lived closer. I would invite you BOTH to all my parties.
Also, I think (please correct me if I’m wrong) another better response may be to ask a question… I don’t think most people understand what it means to be autistic (but think they should know). Maybe just ask, “What does that mean?” and of course, listen.
Ahh, Jenn. I know you would include us both. Lovely people like you are not the problem. What I needed to learn was that Katie and I were not the problem either. The people who walk away or ignore us are the ones who have the problem, although I’m not sure I’d call it a problem. They are uncomfortable and/or afraid of what they don’t understand, so they hide from it rather than confront it head on. It’s sad, but I’ve learned to deal with it. And truthfully, it happens less and less.
And yes, your question is perfect. I try to educate when I can, but there is only so much one person can do. I have never met a parent of a child with autism who would not be happy to answer questions.
Love your site, I have heard ALL of those. I am raising my grandson with Autism, he’ll be 12 next week. I have been reading all of this non stop!
Hi Pam! Welcome to my site. Yes, I imagine you have heard all of these comments. Most autism parents (and grandparents) have. It’s my friends without autistic kids who are shocked. Keep coming back.
What are some things you would want to hear? I am a music therapist who works with children with ASD and I always strive to be sensitive to parents and family members. Thanks!
Hi Amy! I suspect that since you often work with kids with ASD and strive to be sensitive, then you aren’t making any of the insensitive comments that I discussed. But you raise an interesting question. What are things I’d like to hear? Hmmm. Let me think about that and I’ll put together another post.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hugs to you and your daughter, I do have an autistic grandson, six years old, and he is the joy of my life, we do treat him at home normally, but in public people sometimes is merciless, wish something more should be done to make people aware of autism, kind regards, Ena
Welcome, Ena! I too wish that more people were aware of autism and how it impacts behavior. These are not bad or misbehaving kids.
Maybe it’s up to each of us to educate about autism, one person at a time.