Katie and I had a very relaxing early summer break. I’m not quite ready to return to the serious working world, so just for kicks I compiled a somewhat tongue-in-cheek list of the top twenty signs that you might be a single autism parent. Here it is:

1. Your life is in a state of constant chaos. This chaos has gone on for so long that while it makes those around you nervous, you no longer notice it.
2. Your home appears to have survived a natural disaster. Your yard—what’s left of it—resembles an untamed jungle.
3. At night you fall into bed so exhausted that you don’t have time to feel lonely. Some nights you don’t even bother to get undressed. Hey, at least it makes the morning routine easier!
4. Finding a sitter is harder than passing the Bar Exam.
5. The interior of your car, especially the area near where your child sits, has been known to make strangers gasp.
6. You must wait for your child to either be asleep or in school in order to take a shower.
7. You celebrate a day with no meltdowns—and that includes you.
8. You go grocery shopping and look like you’ve survived an Occupy Oakland riot.
9. Your idea of a great Friday night is one in which your child goes to bed and no one screams or gets injured in any way.
10. You can’t take a sick day, although you feel like crap, because there’s no one else to step in. Not even your mom.
11. When something gets broken, you think: Yes! One less thing to clean.
12. You can’t recall the last time you shaved your legs or got a haircut. And if you have, you feel guilty for not using that time “more productively.”
13. You’re always tired … no matter how many espresso shots.
14. When told that your child has autism, potential suitors have responded, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Bad as that is, it’s still better than, “What’s autism?”
15. The only dancing you do is with the Wii. Or would be, if you could afford a Wii.
16. You’ve actually lost your cell phone—more than once—in the piles of autism-related paperwork that grace every surface of the house.
17. When someone gives you The Look while your child tantrums in Costco, you fantasize about slipping an underwear bomb into their back pocket or purse. This is pretty much the only time you think sexy thoughts about underwear.
18. You consider including the word autism in the title of your online dating profile as a way to “filter” potential dates.
19. You’ve contemplated saying to someone: “My child has autism. What’s your excuse?”
20. Even if Ryan Gosling (or the hottie of your choice) walked through your front door naked and announced he was dying to f**k you, you’d say, “That’s nice. Can you help me fix a few things around here?”

Until next time,
Cynthia Patton